The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
