I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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