Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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