Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
