You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
