You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
