What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
