1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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