be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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