I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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