I hate all girls vehemently.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
