Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
