The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
