just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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