I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
