i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
