get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
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