Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How naked do you want me to be?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
