did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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