Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
