Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
