If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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