Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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