Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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