So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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