I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
