please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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