Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
