she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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