i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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