1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
