I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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