you traded sex for a burrito?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
