but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
