I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
