so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
