I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
