dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
