I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I puked a lego.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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