I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
