she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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