i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
