My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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