I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
