i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
im on a boat
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