1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
