i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
