After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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