I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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