We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
