Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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