i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Randomize
